I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
