I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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