I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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