How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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