my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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