I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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