sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
