Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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