My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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