My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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