My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
