VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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