Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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