i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
