Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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