dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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