so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
