I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
