he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
