I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
