So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
