guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
