Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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