you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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