great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
