Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
