Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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