She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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