She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
