have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
