I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
