just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
