He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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