If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
