So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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