some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
