the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
