I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
