chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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