you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
