While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
