It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
