Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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