the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
