I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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