You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
