Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
