im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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