i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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