If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
PANTIES FOUND
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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